Continue reading if you are prepared for a boring entry.
Sometimes im scared by myself, i changed alot. I dunno it's a good thing or wat. I miss my old life.
The life when everything is simple.
The life when i'm just me, don't need to please anybody or to change for anybody.
The life when i just to stay at home alone online talking to my crush, even though he didn't know. The life when every morning i go to school just to gossip with my friend and sleep in the class.
The life when i get to do my favorite routine - dancing.
The life when i don't need to worry what i eat b'coz i have enough exercise.
The life when mum is around and ready everything for me.
I miss my life at Subang. Walking over to SS15 AsiaCafe and hanging out with KahYan, and making mum wait for me. Now come to think of it, i'm fucking regret. Humans are all the same, they only learn how to appreciate when the person is gone.
As we grow, we gotta learn how to sacrifice and make a decision that benefits the most. Which including changing urself to fit in the majority. I felt so fake sometimes. The fake smile on my face, nobody knows except me. You think you know me well? No i don't think so. You think i'm happy all the time? No.
How i wish i'm living in the ancient, where human nature are all exposed under the sun. Going topless exposing your tits are a form of beauty, it's woman's proud. Woman crying is their rights. Now crying makes no use anymore, woman gotta just swallow and tell the world "yes, im fine, no big deal "no matter what happens. Tell me which woman doesn't want a shoulder to lean on?
Sometimes when i see the person i know so well acting fake in front of another stranger, i really feel like asking them, why the hell are you being so fake? For 5 min i didn't know who u are. I'm really sick of this whole fakerism phenomenon. It has become a necessity to human being, you gotta learn how to be fake to survive or to win. Being real just makes u a loser.
I have live a slightly difficult life compared to the other same age teenagers. I act dumb most of the times. Not that im damn smart, it's just not to reveal so much of myself to the unknowns. You think i don't understand how important is to appreciate someone? I swear i know better than you. You think im so dumb that what ever you tell me i will take it serious? No i don't. I don't really expect much. 3 years of living alone has taught me not to put my expectations on someone so high.
Pathetic to say it, but i think the one u can believe is only just yourself. I'm sorry to say this, but i have seen too many cases happening right in front of my eyes. I hate promises. Don't promise if you know you can't fulfill it. Don't fucking say you will not hurt me if you know there is any chances you might hurt me, be it with words or actions. Don't say you are very tolerable when actually you're not at all. What is wrong with telling the truth? You only live once.
I'm not pin-pointing to anyone, don't get me wrong.
Fuck i just knock my knee on the same spot again. It's bleeding. FUCK! It's been so long since i dropped a single tear b'coz of frustration. I miss mummy. I miss her scoldings. I miss her bringing food to me when i've got tutorial in school. I miss walking to school with her. I miss just hanging out with girlfriends talking about boys.
I need to breathe. Alone. Just me alone.
Excuse me please. Too much of saying " yeah im fine." Hell no, i'm not fine at all.
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